That fat broad you banged out last night is still here and I can hear her snoring through the living room wall. I would leave, but I don't want to come home to an empty fridge.
I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
Katy Perry is on a Proactiv commercial. That "I kissed a girl" shit is so much less hot now.
I'll show rhose boucners: You don't let me in, I poop on your pool.
I was sitting on the floor of CVS chugging white grape juice until someone asked me to leave.
I told her we could be friends and she said the last time i told her that we had sex behind a bar at 4am
You remember the guy that busted in waving a tazer at everyone yelling "get the fuck outta my crib"?
yeah you don't forget that shit easily
We ended up crawling out from our hiding spot and playing pool with him once he calmed down. His name is Marcus. I got his email.
I can't leave your house without my underwear spending the night.
you were caressing the jar of pickles then you looked down and whispered to them "I want you inside me"
should i save it for someone special or be a feminist and be like "my vagina doesnt define me"
I guess that means I was blowing a nerd last week.
And loving it.
ugh I gave him morning sex and he doesn't even text me back for my bagel order
They are going to name an STD after you.
Vibrator fell off the top of the dresser and hit me. This might be the most embarrassing black eye incident ever
home. only unpacked the necessities...contact case and beer.
Randomize
