i really appreciated the lovely drunk rendition of whitney houstan's "i wanna dance with somebody" you left on my voicemail.
I've taken to hiding pictures of us around his room so that he'll forever feel guilty for dumping me on Valentine's Day... And to potentially cock block any hook ups.
I repeat the shot was ON FIRE. I am never going to a pirate bar again.
Dude. Remember the only two rules I set for that? Always have a sober friend and don't do drugs with a fat chick.
So coach him. No guy wants to admit being unsure of something in bed. It's a man-law or something.
STOP LICKING HIS MUSTACHE
You drink it until you puke in a vent one time and it's ruined forever.
Woke up covered in green glitter and beer. I am never leaving Ireland.
BTW I totally understand panda express being popular amongst the highs. I can feel the shrimp being slaughtered in my mouth. It's fantastic.
Then you bent down and whispered, "excuse me mr. Stair, could you please stop moving?"
It's not ok to announce to a group of people playing beer pong that a girl put her finger in your butt last night. I now know this
Being sober is boring. Tomorrow I'm def bringing wine and my vibrator to work. Might even booty call that hot guy on floor 5. Making the last week at this job legendary.
I was fed cake in bed and then was pinned down and ridden till I came. And then fed more cake. I'm going to marry Brad. I'll put money on it.
My life is literally "I'm too horny you can't leave" or "let's have pie" there's like no inbetween
Joke’s on you. I got to talk to a furry about why nukes are bad and why musicals are good.
Randomize
