From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
I told my ex i loved him and then he sent me a picture of this girl laying on his bed.
Spider just rapelled from her vag rethinking online dating.
I ate a lot of your sunchips. I mean a lot. Like 4 to 5 bags.
I wonder if i passed any courses from last semester
Heads up. We filled your kiddie pool with kool-aid and vodka. Things are about to get Out. Of. Hand. Quickly.
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
Imagine getting a FB inbox "hey I found your ID on the floor of a bar can you send me a mugshot so I can get a second piece of ID made?"
I'm going through a really dark time right now
I don't want to hear it man. I just jerked it to a pic of my ex wife in a bikini. Buck up
I just saw a stripper light her nipples on fire. Im terrified and impressed all at the same time
Some guy I've never met before just came outside and started rolling a blunt on our fence and passed it around to all six of us. At eight in the morning. Today's gonna be weird.
He got up in the middle of the show and returned with this massive ham shank, then offered me some by asking "wanna suckle on my hog." Should I be offended?
Idk if I deserve a medal or a one way ticket to hell
The girls said some drunk guy in footie pajamas was asking for me when they opened the doors. I thought we agreed you were gonna stay home and microwave me some bacon.
Listen I don't care what it's called as long as it's drugs
Randomize
