Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
remember that night jesus turned water into wine? DRUNKER.
I miss him.. What the hell did I get myself in to? I guess it will get better with time.
No. Just liquor. Time's no good.
pube in her braces AGAIN. barely kept a straight face.
you kept screaming that dicks were growing out of your back and then you started crying cause they were so far from your vag
could you get any more awkward?
i think the sales of Rosetta Stone are directly related to the size of that woman's tit's
just smash crush and snort whatever we can get our paws on
I knew I fell for you for a reason
God gave him joint rollers for hands
There's nothing like sitting directly behind someone you fucked 5 years ago at church on Easter Sunday
not the best booty call
did she squirt?
only if tears count
Nothing is better than seeing someone you fucked go to the Olympics. I feel so American.
I want to throw all of their shoes in the pool so I feel like there is some justice in the world
How do I respond to this?! It's not easy to say "you're hot & the sex was good, but outside the bedroom you scare me"
You have no idea the kind of bodily contortions I had to do to access your neighbor's WIFI
I was planning out a scrapbook to memorialize my affair.......and that's when it hit me, I don't make good choices. On the upside, the scrap book came out great and I am glad I saved all the gate passes from the airport.
Randomize
