We are surrounded by old people. Heavens waiting room for sure.
look to my right... shes dancing like she's playing dance dance revolution and her character is a retarded, drunken moose
i would only ever fuck harry potter if he was on a broomstick.
i just ate an entire onion plain. all alone. i have never felt more single in my life
dude i feel like at any given point 3/5 of that family is trying to fuck you
I'm not sure which is worse. The fact that I slept with him last night, or the fact that you did too.
there's nothing like the elf drinking game to get me in the christmas spirit.
dude i woke up sitting indian style with my face on the ground and my hand in a bucket of ice.
I have learned that if you don't want to hook up with the guy who walked you home, food is great compensation.
Come over. I've made 2 dinners and so many cocktails. I'm a 50's housewife with no family.
He's short and fat and honestly I think he's what my self esteem was made for
She said, after pronouncing how sober she was, and I quote 'Take this bag, it's so heavy it's like 500 degrees! Wait, is it time to go? Can I run? I think I can run!' Then she ran away.
You walked in wearing nothing but a beekeeper mask
He tried to tell me that that stripper was his aunt..
this is honestly why we're friends. we drink tea and plan to do drugs together.
Randomize
