peeing in bathroom at penn station and the homeless man next to me is combing his beard with a fork...god I love new york
I want to make a porn site called "girls with daddy issues"
we're doing beer bongs from the windmill...epic
Any little, cute, petite blondes with you?
Nah, I got some slutty brunettes though.
She just admitted to me that she was a pinecone.
Remember when I got my car stuck in my backyard?
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
How's my date look?
Like a retarded elf
In a good way
Oh my god. I slept with my boyfriend last night. It was wonderful.
And when I say my boyfriend I mean my electric blanket. Because that's the kind of life I lead.
You know you're a heffer when you discover chocolate frosting on your smoking apparatus
HE'S LIKE A GREEK GOD BUT HE'S FROM BOSTON. HE'S A BOSTON GOD
pray to him
I WANNA PRAY ON HIS DICK
my mom talks about my drinking like its a problem and yet this morning she fills me a solo cup with champagne for the shower.
A girl showed up in my tinder and I have it set to only men... I super liked her because I need a lesbian experience
She looks like a character that batman would try to kill, or something.
Sorry about you walking in on the whole nude kinect dancing. The new roomie was drunk and naked and told us he was either over dressed or we were under dressed for the party. And Amy figured it would be easier to join him than it would be to dress him
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