They have glow in the dark condoms. That's so scary.
Something like a penis light saber.
New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
P.S. I can't hear my feet
i do some of my deepest thinking on my wednesday morning walks of shame
Watched a women out our tannin salon literally fight police because she was getting arrested for trying to drunkenly fight the tanning salon owner...we need to step up our day drinking this is shameful.
i don't think they understood the house was collapsing. they kept dancing and jumping and asking for more cups.
It's his sex noise. "I'm gonna cu-THE LORD IS MY SHEPARD AND I SHALL NOT WANT"
i know you're at the dentist, but this dick pic was too phenominal to wait and i deserve immediate tit compensation
They invited me day drinking but brought their kids. 3 two year olds and 1 11 month old. I was asked to change a diaper, I laughed and took another drink of this margarita. I LIKE CHANEL AND TEQUILA NOT CHILDREN. Can we make new friends?
He managed to crash an entire train of shopping carts into a wall. I think he noticed my implants.
I was going to make you have an awkward boner around all your coworkers but then I fell asleep.
You were peeing off the rooftop and told everyone sometimes you just gotta go
well I ran around the park drunk with a plastic baby and fell, all while screaming "I WILL PROTECT YOU CARLOS", yeah there's video
In this house, we have but one simple rule: DONT FUCKIN TOUCH MY STUFF OR I'LL CUT YOUR NECK IN UR SLEEP
I came twice AND he sent me home with edibles. I think he’s a keeper.
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