First night in the new apartment. There are 12 people here i don't know, Tequila, and a crying girl locked in our bathroom. I think the apartment christening is complete.
i just realized that im half way to my goal of puking in every single toilet on our floor
its not fair. if i was a guy, i'd be getting a high five for banging two in one night.
hungover subway ride filled with german tourists and a mariachi band. too early. too fuckin early
Couldn't get it up. She asked me what she was doing wrong. Didn't have the heart to tell her. I appreciated her willingness to adapt, but she's pretty much gonna look that bad her whole life.
Tell him I thought his Superman stand on your bed and cum all over your back was quite funny
I hate that he uses me for something other than sex. What does he think I am? His girlfriend? Ha.
We are going to need a water proof camera with a flash....exit routes....lots of booze.....and a tutu for good measure
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
Fucked a kid by the name of your hometown tonight... FOR THE WIN.. BF4L
If they were bad they leave that night, if they were good they get a gold star, and if they were great they get invited back. Simple.
I feel like I should remember what we did after leaving the party because apparently a llama was involved, but all I can manage is the part where I asked you to cuff my ankle to the bed so I wouldn't backflip away.
summer in europe = liver of steel
I accept that challenge.
my mom tells me this morning that i was blasting teach me how to dougie at 2 am last night and refused to leave her room until she dougied with me
what are you up to?
it's 8pm, i've already showered and gotten in bed. if you wanted to make plans u should have asked 3 months in advance
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