I think I have a pornographic memory.
Don't you mean photographic?
No.
You better get here soon. I'm about to spend $30 on a cactus online
he just tried to convince me that tylenol is a gateway drug
i licked the inside of a toilet bowl for $14. i really can't talk about my night.
He just made me apologize because his morning wood is NOT a laughing matter.
she's sitting in the bathroom of SA telling people to come in for a toilet ride
I hear youre working today. To keep you entertained, ive compiled a list of condiments that my dick has NOT been slathered in since last Friday: Relish, and raspberry jam. That's right.
You were in your third change of clothes, and I found you in my driveway passed out with my dog's food bowl. You win.
I immediately knew he was tripping, he came over with a grocery bag of snow balls and a bike helmet on and asked if I was prepared to die for my country.
L'Shannah Tovah!
Whats that? My new stripper name?
Dude, they hit that lizard part of my brain that tells me to fuck people.
Preach sister.
At one point in the night, as we were running from the cops, I clearly remember you yelling "little gnomes are tickling the insides of my body!" ...that high.
I mean I made my therapist laugh so hard she cried....so yes, my life is literally a joke to everyone
LISTEN TO ME! DONDE ESTA LA FUCKING VICODIN!
As your boyfriend, I'm gonna congratulate you on winning that fist fight. But as a cop, I have to tell you to not do that again.
Randomize
