I am going to invent a chocolate mix for sperm.
i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
i'm writing my speech about my 4th grade backstreet boy concert experience. that sums up how seriously i take my life.
halloween makes it hard to decipher real cops... from sexy men dressed up as them.
Dude I totally just watched a girl put a tampon soaked in vodka up her vag
I need new friends
I just want you to know that were having pizza delivered to the emergency room
Just kicked a guy in his penis in order to win a dance contest on Bourbon....desperate.
I walked into my room to see them crying, watching hey arnold, and passing a franzia box back and forth...
Sorry I forced you to take an adderall at 1am and then proceeded to dance to Lose Yourself outside of Qdoba.
Sorry about giving you those ripped gym shorts after my dog ate your pants, but after the awkard BJ incident I didn't plan on hearing from you again
There are two types of people in this world I don't trust: people who collect stamps, and people who don't drink
It's like a booty call, except its for tacos...and you're my brother.
I didn't know how wild the party was going to be until one girl brought her pet raccoon
Please don't try and hook up with one of your high school teacher's friends
Is she talking about a testicle cuff or just a cock ring? How did you meet this girl?
Is there a big difference?
It’s about the same as the difference between a night of drunken sex with a stripper at the Bellagio and being robbed and left for dead by a crystal meth tweaker
Randomize
