dude, i just saw a bobcat while i was rollerblading this morning
1 dont ever text someone @ 8am on sat. 2 dont ever admit to rollerblading past 1992.
genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
Do I need to let your sister outside to go pee or anything before I leave?
My fight-or-flight response is really more fight-or-fuck
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
Pretty certain he passed out for a while going down on me. Absolutely certain he passed out during the blow job.
She's pissed. She declared she was moving out and proceeded to pack 3 pairs of shoes, her electric wine opener and ONE sock. Then told us to have fun paying her portion of the rent.
I'm still not a hundred percent.. I haven't shit anything solid in two days.. I have pulled my puker muscles and I can't take deep breaths cuz of other unidentified muscles/maybe heart attack
I just realized I'm trading you a pregnancy test for the morning after pill...
It's been a bad semester.
He can spot Burberry from half a bar away. He's not into vag
If I'm going to start compromising my butthole it's going to be for much better drugs than a ventolin
The other night I NICELY told her she looked like Jack Sparrow
My whole house smells like Spaghetti-Os and cat litter. I think I've failed as an adult.
Oh god it's open bar.
You are currently doing Harry Potter spells with the turkey-baster...
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