Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
I hate when people I sell to add me on Facebook. I'm your dealer, not your friend, C'mon people.
i'm 6 minutes and 3 drinks deep before she gets here. she's do-able for a wednesday night, but i still need to mentally prepare, ya know?
Is moral bankruptcy something you need to file for?
Hah, I lost the lenses in my glasses, didn't event notice til this morning... How was the meeting?
and everything will be beautiful and nothing will hurt and we will eat nachos
Omg just remembered. I tried to kidnap a dog.
I tried to talk to him, but he didn't recognize me at first. I had to show him the top of my head and then he remembered.
I think I'll handle my grief by throwing myself headlong into lesbianism. Seems like a fitting tribute to you.
I said his dick tasted like a Hawaiian Sweet Roll. And then I yelled MAHALO.
There's tequila in my general area. Please pray for me.
It's one am and you're asking me if you should buy a plane ticket for a booty call.
I just told my bowl "sorry" for putting it down, because I thought I hurt its feelings. omg. I'm high.
I refuse to fake an orgasm. If I'm dating him, he better work for that shit.
Only good thing about being an essential worker is that I have a letter allowing me to cross the bridge into jersey to get booze
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