my lips still taste like vagina
so you liked breakfast?
ehh, still wish we woulda went to IHOP instead
she just put all the cheese in the refrig to sleep.. and yes we did finish you bottle.
They told me I spent half the night at the club with one ball hanging out my shorts. Apparently it got me 1 free drink, 2 numbers, and thrown out.
If i'm not hungover, near death, and wondering what i did the night before on Monday, life is not worth living.
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
You could probably play six degrees of separation of my cock in this city.
Do you know why I have a burn shaped like a tiny spork?
Can't a white girl just get drunk on a Sunday night and eat rice crispy treats. SHIT
They should just send me home - I'm literally doing nothing but watching porn and listening to pandora.
You're lucky you got out when you did, about an hour later the girl in the Franzia box started wrestling everyone.
You decided it was too difficult to walk down the stairs so you just rolled across his kitchen floor laughing like a maniac and trying to drink at the same time
His dick is as big as my 7" heels... Awkwardness is forgotten.
That's not "anything", that's you deep throating a mozzarella stick.
I went looking for them and I pulled my pants down and peed on the lawn. I found my phone in the same spot in the morning.
You went into the bathroom, got in the tub with a pillow, yelled "this isn't as comfortable as it looks in the movies" then passed out
Randomize
