She's a black belt cougar in the 6th degree.
I wanna go to beed woth a nboy
LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
Please sleep at your girlfriend's tonight
Why?
'Cause I wanna jack off tonight.. And you being in the room makes things awkward
Just found a quarter that has been stuck to my boob since at least last night.
I thought i'd save money with No Heat November but the amount of whiskey i have to buy to stay warm is probably adding up to more than a heat bill.
Dancing naked to Celine dion - im alive. No better way to start the day
Either I'm tripping balls or my dog has super powers.
Her only article of clothing is an American Flag
I was talking about you wanting my dick, but that works too
I was just the victim of a drive by judging in a horse and buggy.
The fuck? Where?
St. Mary's. Amish people. Too high for this.
He lit a candle for the mood and ended up lighting my hair on fire while we were hooking up...moodkiller
I might run out into oncoming traffic. Id rather break my legs and/or die then continue with today.
When she said "Tighten your safety belt and hold on!", that should have been a clear sign to me that one should never go off-roading in a rental car. On the bright side, they were able to tow her car out the next morning.
That awkward moment when you realize you've been secretly blackout dating someone for three months. Drunk me is in a committed relationship.
Randomize
