part of me always dies a little when i go to the "2 women seeking 1 man" section in craigslist's casual encounters to find nothing there. it's tragic
He nailed 50 frozen hamburgers to the ceiling last night. Now there are flies every where.
I refuse to fuck a guy who needs a coozy for his beer. NOT EVEN IN DESPERATE TIMES LIKE THESE.
No no don't get confused. We do chemistry homework on Thursdays. We screw on Fridays. Other than that, Words With Friends is our only communication five days a week. We are NOT dating.
I asked him how his night was and he sent me a picture of a bottle of Ciroc with a bendy straw...
I feel like a monkey keeps fucking me in the ear with a trombone as a dick.
His lack of social graces and moral fiber complements mine nicely.
I've honestly never felt so much emotion towards a wall
Yeah and you keep saying "I know how to win America." While running away from us
Drove by a guy getting road head, midday on O Street. That could be us, but you won't let me in your pants when you drive.
How is it medically possible for my urine to smell like espresso
I was blacked out when we met, so basically this will be a blind date.
The moment I was petting the giraffe was the moment I passed out
I didn't mean that as an expression. I'm literally asking if you want to watch Netflix and do nothing.
That's the only way to watch Gumby. Either age 5 or high.
Randomize