she started talking about my kids
was she topless?
the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
Just bought two budlight beers with a can of tuna at the bar
After we finished he asked if I knew if it was a boy or girl. Diet. Starts. Now.
He was probably pissed, but i couldn't tell for sure. How pissed can someone really look while holding a fishbowl mimosa?
I hope, cuz I was gunna get "celebritory drunk" but now I have to get "I'm disappointed drunk"
Sometimes crazy just comes naturally. I don't need booze to say that on occasion I feel the need to rip off my asshole and throw it against the fridge to see if it sticks.
Dude. When are you coming home? I'm laying in bed watching the Grinch and trying to pet a cat that I'm not even sure exists.
He said it was fake. Like really? Hey baby, I wanna sleep with you, so here's a picture of a fake tiny dick
Can we fangirl? Can we have fangirl Tuesdays?
Sure lol what's that?
Oh, dear, sweet Laura. Please start singing A Whole New World. I have Aladdin's part, you're Jasmine.
Why?
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I think clothing becomes optional at the second date! But you seem like a rule breaker
Is it illegal to hookup with your fathers god child?
We fucked for 9 months, but he didn't want anything serious. So, I got rid of him and went on a date with a guy last night that looks like Kylo Ren. Who's really winning here?
We just fucked each other sober. #goteam
Live it up bro, they're always so surprised to find out you use magnums, being such a tiny man and all. It's a good thing.
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