when we were having sex and i started crying and telling you i missed you..why couldnt you stop and tell me how you felt or make me feel better?you kept going...
Just dropped $150 at the liquor store. No power and two feet of snow has taken my alcoholism to another level.
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
I've learned something. I regret way too may Tuesdays in my life to be normal
You left a trail of sequins from your dress incase we got lost
Apparently I walked up to him, mumbled something incoherently, then started to make out with him. Why does this always happen.
may or may not have figured out a way to make my mom a drug mule to bring me ecstasy...
Brunch got away from me. I might be a little high.
Help everyone's hot
Men are hot women are hot non-binary people are hot aliens are hot
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
He got naked after doing the Ice Water Challenge and it was still enormous. So, yeah, I stayed over.
I just lit a blunt like right in front of an old man and I was like sir please shieldeth your eyes
Go have fun. I'm gonna go shower off the regret.
No one wants to start their day off with bloody lemons and a tampon in the toilet. Wtf.
Can you pay somone's bail with a credit card or just cash? I feel like you would know this.
Randomize
