You don't need id to drink rum in an alley.
i an so hammered right now. I'm about to pass out but i just found the lion king dvd and i'm so happy words don't even describe.
I'm gonna name my first kid mufasa regardless if It's a boy or girl
let me know it goes. try not to get bit. and if you can, get someone to videotape it.
Just told the nurse I wouldn't get on the scale. Told her to write FAT.
You do realize it's a Tuesday, right?
You do realize I stopped giving a fuck about calendars when I was 10, right? And besides, it could be the best Tuesday of your life.
is election day enough of a holiday to justify getting fucked up on a tuesday?
Slept on the counter again. Mom covered me in an apron.
You mean the girl who was passed out face down on the bathroom floor until 10 AM? You're right, she was cute.
He had a 99.9% chance of getting laid...until he started cutting down the frat's volleyball nets with his pocket knife.
Pretty sure I just noped a member of the Canadian women's hockey team on Tinder.
One of your snapchats was of you with a 40oz of Mickeys and the caption: "Deep Throat back in her natural habitat"
Your life is quite full of dick lately.
It really is!
and idk now I have nine bags of lettuce in my fridge
I know you would. And one day, we'll have a moment where i'll verbally assault a stranger for you.
My drunk is wearing off and im starting to feel like this dolphin tattoo was a bad idea.
Randomize
