I really want to sleep with her friend. I'm hoping our casual sex relationship will somehow lead to that.
can a staight man not wear seersucker in this town?
I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
The worst mistakes make the best memories. Write that down.
he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them
So I'm pretty sure I fucked the dept of homeland security guy on my kitchen table. No recollection of it, but there are signs.
It was mandatory to shotgun a beer before we were allowed to eat dinner
Well I tried to steal a golf cart. I fought with the Chick-Fil-A cow. And other things.
Hey do you think you can sew an adult onsie with easy access if you know what I mean!!?? It must have bunny feet.
Your lack of enthusiasm for my exciting news of drunken debauchery with an otherwise occupied vagina of one of my greatest conquests yet disturbs me. I'm not happy with you
You slid down the wall and got into the fetal position. He was definitely judging... I was judging....
thought a girl was checking me out today. took me like 5 minutes to realize it was a mannequin
I'm 99% sure I just puked glitter. Wine drunk Mondays shouldn't be a thing.
I think my AA sponsor just booty called me.
I have four things I would like to do over summer too... Problem is they're all roommates
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