Katie is reenacting me jizzing in her eye via emoticons...
he was so high, he talked to my goldfish for an hour telling him the dangers of overfeeding.
I might never shower again without beer.. I might also always drink naked
There's never a time that i stay at this apartment that when i wake up in the morning and sit outside to smoke a cigarette that i don't feel ashamed of myself.
Santa was walking around downtown handing out stuff at the bars. He gave me a free eyebrow wax. I think he's trying to tell me something
Puked in the trees at home depot, I told everyone it was fertilizeerr
i know i shouldn't tell you this since i want you to really like me but i just spent the last 4 hours sleeping on the toilet.
Holy shit, just saw a girl in the library smoking a bong disguised as a calculator
I just remembered I did the whole byebyebye dance at the bar
They both showed up at the same time... to surprise me. One had flowers and the other had chocolates. Needless to say, I will be at the bar all weekend long trying to figure out how this happens.
Remind me to NEVER AGAIN mix beer with tequila with beer with whiskey with vodka with rum with vodka.
We never leave a bad bitch behind. its a party foul..we'll find you somehow
Lobby closes at 2 AM on Thursday, but everyone walking still wants food... I could run a "Taco Bell Taxi" when I clock off at 2 and charge a dollar to give drunks a ride through drive thru.
Someones thought of a way to afford tuition.
On this version of “Dean Can’t Be a Normal Fucking Human,” I told a guy I’d shove a tv up his ass. Recreationally.
Plasma, LED or OLED?
He thought reverse cowgirl meant he dressed up as a cowgirl. Honestly, it was more creepy than funny
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