I'm so excited for this wedding, I feel like a school girl about to get finger launched on the dance floor at the sadie hawkins dance
where does the pee come out of this thing
I brought red and green boonsfarm to the white elephant party. classy and festive. I think this is what people are referring to when they talk about killing two birds with one stone.
The bartender gave me a roll of masking tape so I could tape my heels to my feet so I wouldn't lose them when i went drunk running later that night
She called all of my friends to find out where I was last night. 7 out of ten said their place.
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
we've coined the Sunday morning ritual of taking out our puke-filled trash cans as The Trash Of Shame
Now I'm heckling that my belch is more exciting than their fireworks and I peed down the driveway.
She's wearing her dead grandmother's pearl on the married finger so no guys "bother her" tonight... I am not THAT committed to Girl's Night.
I'm a terrible friend...i should have come right over instead of having sex for an hour and a half. :/ want anything from burger king?
Well she described you as a "Sex-Viking", which seemed to be only slightly related to the red beard. So things are looking good!
Tbh I fell asleep cuddling a bag of Brazilian nuts. Franzia never dissappoints me
When you leave ur sleepover boy on ur front porch waiting for a cab bc work
I accidentally sent my mom a nude picture of my ass... she replied with how did you get that angle ?
he just kept biting everyone and singing hilary duff songs. i can't even bring him to a gas station.
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