I tried to gradually lead her into my room but she wouldn't stop crying and quoting memoirs of a geisha
It's official. Every guy I've slept with has been to jail.
you called to congratulate me on being the reason you lost never have i ever
and this is why we should make december sharting awareness month.
They can't keep moving my court date back, i dont know if I'll survive another one of these going away to jail parties.
Lube is flammable
Who is this??
I am here to underwhelm you with my vagina
I wish i could just live off of margaritas and good sex.
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
'go have sex with her' ddoes not count as wingman
It took me half an hour to realize I didnt know them
that pic of me and the hulking football player sure does come in handy when creepy guys hit on me at the bar.
The best part of Easter was watching all his colorblind cousins try to find the eggs.
I shotgunned a beer immediately puked and rallied. And by rallied I mean had sex in the bathroom after he held my hair.
What a gentleman.
I literally JUST MADE IT to the liquor store. I bought a box of wine with the lights off
Randomize
