I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
I just asked the contractor building my house what it would cost to put a garbage disposal in all the shower drains...there was a lot of judging going on.
We are two peas in an std pod
He may or may not be blacked out. We put him to sleep in the community bathroom. He's wrapped in your blanket and he's already puked on it twice. Using your blanket was my idea. Maybe next time you'll ask before taking my vodka.
Did the math... it's Magna Cum Laude whether I get a 4.0 or a 0.0 this semester. I'm blacking out now, wake me up when I have to walk across the stage,
This is all my moms fault. She shouldn't have encouraged my weird fascinations as a child
They get 5 minutes to wear their speedos at the wedding
Oh my god I'll have to be really drunk for that
So glad I decided to show up and puke in your trashcan.
These are the moments that bond souls forever.
They are fixing my bike for free, trying to smoke me out, and their kids keep hugging me.
i'm about to be the still-drunkest person on the ellipticals
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
I got a 5/5 with my "I don't want a baby" rant essay. She said my use of the word "leeches" was a powerful metaphor :)
Give me a reason to not spend the rest of my evening high watching dogs 101 videos
I can't ever look his wife in the eye again. She will see right through my soul to his dick pic.
He gives me the same feeling I get when someone puts a margarita or German chocolate cake in front of me
Randomize
