i am not above fucking your little sister on your bed
The best part was her genuine shock and total "I didn't know" look when we said she couldn't cook a steak in a microwave.
should we take a power nap before our cocaine gets here?
his penis was the training wheels of my sex life
He offered to drive me out of state to meet up with my fuck buddy. Like best brother in law ever.
I literally just wielded a katana to save a child's life. What did you do today?
Morning yack off the fire escape. Girl walking by was mortified. Gooooooooo Ducks!!
I want to be you.
Well I was kicked out of the bar and woke up on a picnic table. I'd say the night was awesome!
The beer bottle was sticking out of your zipper and you shook it onto unsuspecting patrons
You don't know how skeptical I was about letting a guy with braces go down on me
Ultimate fat girl moment: I promised him my mouth for the night if he bought me a funnel cake..
I mean, I'm shallow, narcissistic, and selfish, but I'm an amazing friend sometimes
Well drunk me was looking out for sober me again, hid the beer and bought another case for me
I heard Enya coming from steve’s room. I am too high to handle this sudden depth of character
A cop may or may not have seen my bare ass against the moonlight within the past hour
Randomize
