Either these are mashed potatoes in my pants, or I was drunker than I thought.
They're calling for 20 inches of snow but I'll have a dirtbike for emergency trips to the liquor store. Even if I crash it won't hurt.
im hiding in a corner. drunk. with a plate of stolen jello shots. im pretty sure people are looking for me or the jello shots.
did we decide the 'sorry about the threesome' cake was too flippant?
just got home. some guy on my porch is tryin to show me his balls. no more parties at my apartment.
I might come over. Something about you makes me matronly and I have this urge to nurse you back to health with soup and a blowjob
Shitty. Well if it makes you feel any better I just had a toothless wasted crackhead in my bar who was mad because there are TOO MANY FUCKIN TREES in Nantucket.
The problem with having sex on the couch is that your blanket ends up in the laundry and you're left cold on the couch the next day.
Pretty sure the guy I hooked up with Saturday gave me a buy one get one free coupon for chipotle. Who said nice guys don't exist?
There was a clear and well defined point last night where I could've decided to go home but no now I've woken up with glitter all over my nuts and potentially an std or 2
I made out with him in the club and he endorsed me on Linkedin. My networking skills are off the charts.
Party bus got out of hand. Some guy pissed himself. Later, he couldn't find his house keys, so he kicked the back door in.
You were painting for six hours and managed one four foot wall. "The Mellow Handyman" isn't a good business model.
I think the heterosexuals across the hall are negotiating about breeding. How do I figure out which one is against it and back them up?
My dad just informed me that I may be entitled to $1700 worth of stimulus money... looks like that hitachi is coming sooner than later. Let's hope for the best!
Randomize
