are u sure the monkey wasnt drunk too
it really sends the message that i like to impregnate mortal women and have them birth fantastic half man-half god infants.
not allowed to tweet this cos she's following me but i definitely just got head in a stairwell of the university of chicago. wanted you all to know.
I just found a beer bottle in my xmas tree while disassembling it. God, I'm going to miss the holidays.
I wonder what it would be like to go to the dry cleaners and not have to inform them that all my clothes are stained with booze.
In mid-threesome, need more condoms. Wearing a sheet to the gas station. I'll keep you posted
it is a toga and you are a goddess.
he tried to give me his business card but gave me his health insurance card then realized it and offered to take me to the strip club
And now for everyone's least favorite sport... Drunk babysitting.
someone wrote my own number down on my hand and then call me.
Dude if I call tonight please answer and just say "NO, dont do it."
BAT SHIT CRAZY
It's you're fault, even though I never called
i dont know the whole gay terminator look is really hot on him
That's MADAM THUNDERCUNT to you
Happy hour crawl turned into power happy hour turned into tequila shots turned into I'm drunk in class on Cinco de Mayo at 7 am.
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Do dollar stores sell vibrators?
Randomize
