Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
She swallowed my jizz and then took a shot of jack daniels and said "chaser." This cant be real life.
right as i was about to introduce them she goes "old fuck buddy, meet new fuck buddy."
Who is he, asking me if im dtf without a question mark
...
Rub those nipples and moan like a platypus.
Jesus, are you hammered?
Hammered for that juicy ass. I'll bring the straws.
Just make sure my intervention has a theme...
That bottle of wine took a part of my soul with it.
OMG BTW REMEMBER HOW HE ORDERED PIZZA THAT ONE TIME WE HOOKED UP. APPARENTLY HE WAS HANDING IT OUT TO PEOPLE WHO LIVE IN MY BUILDING AS HE WAS LEAVING
I'm not saying you did or didn't sleep with him but he's has your thong hanging from his ceiling fan
I was like wtf you can warn a girl like hey I have a huge dick and I fuck for hours
Someone google feeding your vagina Advil and Neosporin
You don't have issues. You're a consenting adult having sex at work. Go you.
Three of my exes and one of my exes' brothers have hit me up and it's only been a week. I hate semester break.
i ate pretzels. i might be the first human to be hospitalized from pretzels. that's how bad this is.
ok so you're 100% sure this time that he isn't your ex in disguise again?
I didn't have any choice but to cuddle you. Your hair was stuck on my nipple piercing.
Randomize
