I'll just stay a virgin forever then
You still have to go anyway
Then I guess I'll have to start sleeping around
dude, osama threatened the US again
dude. i slept with your sister last night
what?
I saw that as an opertune moment to drop some big news
if i hurry i can finally have sex while stoned off my ass
godspeed.
Just took my morning after pill in the library
we've already established he's totally wasted. but now he's just sitting at his computer, doing i don't know what, and he keeps saying "dammmn girl" in a really low whisper
In debating whether or not it's worth getting out of bed and walking 5 feet down the hallway to go to the bathroom before I puke
That's why she's the girl with her life together and you're the girl with the penis drawn on your car.
He is going to sleep with me. That's all there is to it. I'm 4 for 4 right now. I'm not making it 4 for 5.
We waited til after. Not even drunk sex felt right during a Disney movie.
Santa brought me a 1.75 of wine, and a liter of patron. I probably won't remember Christmas, so don't ask me how it was tomorrow.
I'm promoting my liver to CEO of my body cause it clearly works harder than anything else.
Oh god. Just tried to hail a pizza delivery car. Awkward.
International sake day = success
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
well don't blame me. sometimes vibrators go missing and people get angry. these things happen
You have not lived until you and a ginger miget chick are jumping and waving your arms in a pitch black bathroom to turn on the motion lights. Yes, today I have officially lived.
Randomize
