Going to bed naked. Too bad I am all alone. Need to make some changes. Either sleep with clothes or with you
Day two of vacation and my first drink of the day is a plan b colada
she starting giving me head in the taxi..the driver told her to stop..she looked up, said "I'm the birthday girl", and kept on doing what she was doing.
I finally got her to squirt but it wasnt a stream, it came out in the form of mist. I felt like I was in rainforest cafe.
I'm at taco bell and they have a hiring sign asking "do you like to melt things?" clearly they only want the ambitious.
he just made me do "this little piggy" to his toes.
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
I'm still pretty drunk right now, but when this hangover hits me, I'm going to be super pissed. It's a preemptive never drinking again.
It's Been a while since I puked in vomit bush. I hope it doesn't feel neglected
I think the blind guy i flirt with on a regular basis is starting to realize he's old enough to be my father. I can't tell if he's into it or not.
I asked my boyfriend if he wanted a bong for his birthday but he instead asked for corndogs
the cheaper the better
I woke up this morning cradling my vibrator like it was a baby
Bleach your asshole, I'm on my way.
Who is this?!?!
If wanting to text you my feelings after three mojitos is wrong I don't wanna be right.
Sorry I fucked your cousin. Again. I just wanted him to take me on his boat.
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