I found my crush's facebook page. And his wife's. Apparently they are still in love. Of all the people to have happy marriages! Fuck, I'm depressed.
Think I'm gonna go cougar hunting tonight... Any advice?
condoms and good judgment
Can I buy both of those at the same store?
Uh, do you remember who's thong is in my tree?
I didn't budget in chasers this month so were chasing everything with water. Sorry.
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
I can't keep up with all the guys you're banging. I'm just going to start referring to them by city of origin.
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
I got so stoned last night I thought I was in second grade again
You shall now refer to my vagina as patty and patty only
I thought my broken hand would put a damper on Halloween, but fake costume eyelashes and hydrocodone are kinda fun at the same time.
"I'm 95% straight," he says. Cut to him on his knees...by far the most beautiful guy I've ever fucked.
I just peed on a rich man's lawn fuck yeah America
We had sex on the playground and then walked around his neighborhood grading houses based on their Christmas decorations
I guess you know it was a good night when you find your ripped underwear in your pocket, and a nerf bullet falls out of your pant leg 😂😂
I'm reading fall out boy fanfic. What has my life come to.
Randomize
