there is this woman at the counter who looks identical to linda ellerbee. and she's grinning. COME. INSIDE. NOW.
I just saw a hobo ride by on a unicycle. Good day.
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
The hospital said it would be 'irresponsible' for them to allow people to book stomach pumps.
Just looked at my outgoing calls. Seems I had a 7 minute convo with my 10th grade english teacher at 2:56 am Saturday...
i licked the inside of a toilet bowl for $14. i really can't talk about my night.
Highlight of the week: I had sex with a B movie star wearing an eye patch.
I think I won over his best friend. He was staring at my boobs all night.
The highlight of the night was when he yelled "WAS THIS CONDOM MADE FOR TODDLERS??"
I'm sure there's been a weekend in 2014 we were sober... Clearly it wasn't fun, bc I can't recall it. Point proven, alcohol is key.
No he reached for my hand at the beach. I pretended to be a seagull.
I found a Trump-humping republican virgin born on the goddamn Fourth of July. I NEED to hate-fuck him.
Holding your hair back while you puked wasn't a choice. I was handcuffed to you.
The dude we met that gave us weed sent me a video of his balls covering the sun like a solar eclipse
What should I list for life skills
How about home wrecking? You’re excellent at that
Hmm...that is a life skill in Southern California
Randomize
