my ex just saw me in his brothers bed. fuck yes revenge feels good
I'm actually glad you're quitting. Now there's one less person at work who's seen me naked.
I'm wearing an NBA shooting sleeve while jerking off...and yes my arm has stayed warm
everything was going well until edgar threatened to handcuff the security guard to himself.
you sat in the middle of your kitchen floor feeding your dog blueberries one by one
This hangover is so bad, we are pregaming Chinese food with pizza.
Good. We don't answer calls at dick thirty.
Dude. I tried to hide my drunk wounds from my parents. Response: "we were young once" and "oh god, did I raise a drunk?"
You are beyond drunk wounds. You have drunk battle scars. A true veteran of the sidewalk
Personally, if my roommate had a nice friend who made me dinner, gave me free beer, a 4am meal, a couch to sleep on in an apartment on the beach, and breakfast when I woke up, and I found out that said roommate was fucking her, I'd be all... right on! She's cool! Thanks for the quesadillas!
If I wear a tail on Halloween, how am I supposed to grind? Maybe I will just wear devil horns
I could see myself being this awkward weirdo drunk girl that patted strangers and danced terribly but was powerless to stop it
I just trimmed my bush to manageable levels. I'm gonna take a nap and then get in there and finish the job.
This is not the first time I've recognized my body is subconsciously trying to make pizza.
Gave her a puke bucket just in case. She filled the bottom of it with tears. Super sad. Although I am super proud she didn't puke. That was a lot of Fireball.
the sex got boring after the first three hours
holy shit
Randomize
