News update: stealing a playground is harder than it looks.
what the fuck. my fiance told me she called our wedding band last night and told them to perform "best i ever had" for our first dance
I imagine my 13 hours of sleep after my 3 day upper bender was similar to Jesus rising from the dead.
I think I found out what we're going be for Halloween....Alcohol poisoning victims.
We found you naked curled up in a ball in the closet, using a gorilla suit as a blanket
Well it's official... The first guy I ever gave head to now holds 2 world records. Should I text him asking if I can try and break my record?
But he does seem to be getting proper humping etiquette down. So there's progress.
Its funny that for once I get home and I'm just as high as my parents are.
On a scale of one to liver failure, how bad would it be if I played thunderstruck alone?
One of the annoying girls in my 7 AM class showed up drunk for her 21st birthday and just auctioned off her fake ID.
So what exactly does one do when my driver gets a DUI and is now arrested and I'm still hiding in the trunk?
Really, who hasn't had sex on your bed?
ME.
It's decided. Tomorrow I'm getting a Big Mac and a Dildo
it’s not easy to sexualize brunch. work with me, babe.
You kept licking my face. You said you were making sure I was real.
Randomize
