Well we ran into the cornfields when the cops got there. We'd been hiding in there for 45 mins when he asks me "So this wasn't exactly how I'd planned this but I thought I'd ask. How do you feel about oral sex?"
My family just suggested tequila shots. I had Vietnam style flashbacks.
even your uterus rejects him.
apparently my uterus is the smartest part of my body.
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
The gym is handing out free condoms this week, motivation to work out this week?
I was expecting a blowjob when she shoved me in the bathroom but instead she shaved my pubes into a mustache for my penis. I am still satisfied.
Um...celebrating is an understatement. You flashed the guy at the mexican restaurant and then screamed, "It's just my bikini, I swear!"
Cops on bikes. I think I can outrun them.
Yeah then she waddled like a duck in silence sat down and ate the entire paper towel roll.
she just stared at nothing and then looked at me and goes, "that's a weird place to put the wall"
How the fuck you gonna play love don't cost a thing in a strip club?
I left your tip in your mailbox. Last night was amazing.
"You can have sex in my class, just stay quiet. I don't like noise." My professor... Shall make for an interesting semester.
I’m 95% positive I adopted a bunny last night.
You had cocktails, didn’t you?
You abruptly started screaming because they had and I quote “calamari on the hoof”
Randomize
