i'm making a list of conversation topics in my blackberry so the ride won't be so awkward
I always have to poop after I paint my nails. It never fails.
In Berlin they just cured HIV with stem cells. I am hereby fucking anything that moves.
It's amazing how many friends she makes simply by carrying that flask of whiskey everywhere she goes.
There are work activities and non work activities and dunking my head in a bucket of ice water pulling it out and shotguning a beer is certainly not a work activity
Dude, you passed out sitting straight up AND in mid sentence last night
He acted like he was sleep fucking because I woke up to him screwing me in the middle of the night and he had is eyes closed and was mumbling things the whole time and wouldn't respond to me.
Is that even possible?
I called him by the wrong name to test him and he instantly stopped, rolled over and acted like he was still sleeping...I think he might break up with me tomorrow.
If he breaks up with me, your job is to keep me drunk and make sure I don't sleep with anyone. Ok?
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
We knew it was a good time to leave when you spilt the salsa on the ground and were trying to put it back in the jar with your hands
We could have had it all. And by all I mean sex in your Toyota Corolla.
I should not be allowed to be in possession of a fifth and a phone at the same time.
Yeah bc that's when u should take a Molly. At a house party with everyone from ur hometown
I just want him to make us coffee. And whack off into the sunset
Sexting my TA in lecture = awesome
Randomize
