that john and kate plus 8 dude has ruined asians for me
I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
When he was fingering me, it felt/looked like he was digging around for pocket change.
note to self... there IS such a thing as having too many birthday shots...
She said she's saving anal for marriage cuz she has to save something for her husband...seriously just caught myself lookin at rings.
on todays agenda: meeting with a life coach then going to the dollar store to buy batteries for my vibrator. clearly im still unemployed.
She's just so happy...and so naked.
Serious question...Is it possible to get a DUI on a kayak?
Because it was 5am and I had a shitty mixed drink and I was threatening to put my balls in your face.
Not the worst first impression I've experienced.
Fuck. I have to get my shit together by lunch. Mission impossible.
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
Too stoned. Randomly can't get the image of Emilio estevez's smiling face out of my head. What is life.
I just lost my handcuff virginity and not in the sexy way.
The neighbor just poured gasoline on his 2 brush fires and proceeded to shoot Roman candles at them 🤔
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