My life has become a never ending game of 'illegal or just frowned upon?'
Don't let me forget to bring the toilet inside tonight.
I kept calling him escargot instead of Estaban..I don't think that was the wisest choice.
Babies are disgusting. I held one once. Then I washed my hands and rinsed my mouth out with wine.
The problem is drunk me is completely unaware how poor I am
It was great. They teamed up to hit on these two frat boys all night, until the frat boys started making out with each other. The looks on their faces...
I'm busy watching infomercials. I'd say I'll join you later, but I'm doing a shot every time they demonstrate how difficult life is WITHOUT this product. So I doubt I'll be able to walk in another... Maybe 40 minutes.
But feel free to join! A new infomercial starts in 12 minutes.
She failed the Charleston discretion test, although puking in her armpit was very innovative.
Just in case the world ends tomorrow, I have an emergency contact group of booty calls I can send a quick "let's fuck" to before I die.
You would think a husband, a boyfriend, and a vibrator would be enough. But sadly it's not
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a taco... I feel like a female Elvis.
And let me tell you, getting your ass waxed is the weirdest fucking experience.
I'm sorry that you wanted to get laid and I all I did was play with your new cat instead.
Do you remember me asking for jerk off videos from Tinder guy?
Nah I don't remember that being part of the criteria
sooo, that video of you eating lasangna with the strobe going magically reappeared on my phone
Randomize
