Apparently Chef Boyardee is the only guy I'm taking home tonight.
I just puked in my fish tank. Helloooooo summer.
I keep finding coffee grounds in my vagina
i jus dunped the rest of my drink down the sink and tool my bra off. pretty sure this is the best decision for everybody.
Well, that's a 3 inch weight lifted off of my vagina
ummm i just drove by ur house and ur passed out on the porch. please call me when u get this
I think I used your jacking off shit when I showered. I couldn't see shit, it was all oily. Fuck power outages
Sorry we're taking so long, this weed cake tastes amazing with Tabasco sauce on it.
Being drunk is way better. Seriously, I just licked your brother to make sure my spit was actually real.
I climaxed at the same time the bass dropped. I think it's safe to say I've reached enlightenment
You said "this is only my eighth drink" with like 6 separate drinks
I am a delicate flower. A fucked up, drunk, horny, pants pissing, delicate little flower.
I woke up in a front yard I didn't recognize to a grandma tapping me with her foot. What was in that punch?
I'm sorry I keep drunk texting your boyfriend sports updates.
That's okay. He needs friends too.
you can't just call dibs on my vagina bro.
Randomize
