I really wish i had a penis so i could dick slap that bitch right now
you were almost asleep and mumbling "your penis is on my cheek"
I just saw the host of Singled Out do standup. Holy shit 1995.
im just going to superglue mistletoe to my forehead and see what happens
And then he used the flashlight app to illuminate me giving him head. Thanks IPhone
Just finished texting the 27th male name in my phone that i don't recognize. none of them were the hott kid i made out with last night. the search continues.
Dude I broke my bong in half this morning. I kicked it as I was jerking off. I would never hide anything from you.
Now one day I will be able to tell my children how a drag queen in a gay bar told mommy that bin laden was dead
Gonna bang his former student. Clearly I am winning this breakup.
You threw an open can of pop at me while I was lying on the floor babbling and drooling about how I need to be alone forever, me and my leaking face.
You just stood up, raised your glass and said, "I'd like to thank the academy" then fell through a glass table. THAT'S why we cut you off.
Im hitting on this chick at a stoplight when all the sudden. i notice this chick blowing some dude in the backseat.
I wanna send them a card but I don't think hallmark makes a "sorry your fiance and another girl blew me at the same time in a frat house but congrats!" card
Is 36 too old to fuck a college student? THIS IS BOTH IMPORTANT AND TIME SENSITIVE
I just asked my mom if I could be the drunk realitive at the reunion. She said as long as I'm not obvious.
Randomize
