Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
I'm either going to be a Playboy Playmate or take over the world. Either way the world wins.
would you ever date a girl who drove an 89 Chrysler LeBaron? - for the record it's a convertable
Just heard a guy discussing with someone else the amazing blow job you gave him. I’m in New York. Over 2 hours away from where you live. I have never been more proud.
get home. someone threw up in the fishtank last night.
I'm customer of the month for a 3rd time now at the Wine store. I've achieved so much in my life
I just saw a dude sitting IN a bush, weeping and playing a harmonica. I hope your day is going better than his.
I realize it truly is impossible to burrow under the grass like a mole. Let's not drink for at least another 3 days.
No, seriously, I've slept with 3 guys this month.
It's ok, February is a short month
I'm like still hungover from the quinceanera.
I wore wrist and ankle weights while we had sex. Does that count as working out?
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.
So I had this brilliant idea that I would sleep in all sorts of sweatpants and sweatshirts... Apparently I thought I could "sweat" off the drunk in my sleep and that it would make me feel better when I woke up
Woke up to find that I was cock blocked by no more than three people.
I'm floating on a rainbow and a purple elf is giving me advice. COME NOW!!!
Randomize
