I'm going to shit on something weird... I can't wait
everyone knows that carl winslow was the sexiest man in die hard.
some girl in front of me in class just googled "hungover+throwing up blood"
How do u explain cocaine to a 9 year old?
I had to convince you not to write "happy birthday to the first guy who fingered me" on his facebook wall, right above the post from his current girlfriend's mother.
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
Did the vodka turn my hair yellow or did something else happen last night?
Got a handy at the foam party. Took girl home. Banged her. Thanked her for foam handy. "what handy?"
thought a girl was checking me out today. took me like 5 minutes to realize it was a mannequin
I can get stoned and we can bake and then I can eat 70% of it and it will be awesome
Oh my god the guy at DQ just gave me the number 69 and winked at me
I don’t know if I’m nauseous or just disgusted with myself.
You know the rule about how you feel bad for getting food and not offering other people you're around, does that apply when you eat burger king at a strip club?
Ur creepiness is now affecting my life and I'm not okay with it
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
Randomize
