i wish i could "like" people's thoughts in real life like i can on facebook
you can....by speaking....
The boys are giving me the exam answers and I don't even have to expose my body..yayy engineering!
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
they arrested me when i was peaking, i'm pretty sure they were specifically looking for me but i was too busy rolling around, loving the grass to notice the police car..
i dont care if it was her birthday. if she leaves me with a half rack of budweiser and her boyfriend obviously shits gonna go down.
As long as he sees me topless I don't care. Redemption. REEEDDDEMMMPPPTTIIIOOONNNNN
I have not carelessly put myself in herpes way since I got a clean bill of health tyvm.
You can do it. What doesn't kill us just drives us to drink
So, I'm playing the Doctor Who drinking game with my dogs, but they don't understand quite when to drink. Still counts as successful, though, right?
Would it be appropriate to cancel a hookup to watch the golden globes?
absolutely. tina fey and amy poehler trump everything.
You showed up at my front door in a bikini with a fifth of tequila it was like the opening to a porno
He called me at 4 a.m. and wanted me to drive him to McDonald's then drop him off at home. It wasn't even a booty call, it was a fucking chauffeur call.
Once someone takes a shit in your toilet they are no longer a guest.
you know you're doing something right when your drug dealer insists on hugging you before you leave.
The bouncers found you passed out on the toilet. They tried to move you but you refused and repeatedly shouted that you wanted to go out like Elvis.
Randomize
