my penis was classy and tasteful, i don't know what her problem was.
i'm only drinking out of pineapples from now on.
my hangover today makes thursday's feel like a bubble bath.
We were making out and then he stopped and said to me, "Your ship is right there, why don't you take your people and just go?"
We're going clubbing with matching soccer jerseys on.
What will that accomplish?
It will accomplish clubbing with matching soccer jerseys on.
Why are you seriouly talking to me about this when there naked pics of blake lively on the internet? Priorities man...
did you really just send me an instagramed dick pic?
Gym?
Sweet baby Jebus, no. I'm Motley Crue hungover. This must be how it feels to rail a line of ants.
If you were awake I would probably ride my bike over, fuck you like a god, leave you in the wonders of life, and bike home
Finally had sex in the new kitchen. Burnt the hamburgers and hit myself in the face with the freezer door. Worth it.
This is like a walk of shame down memory lane.
2016 shall be rememered as the year I sharted while putting up the Christmas tree.
You went outside, peed in the front yard, and asked me to bring you some toilet paper.
so i was about to call you for your birthday but then i started making out with this guy... and i feel bad but i felt like you'd understand
How does it make you feel that I can't control my vagina around you?
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