umm..so Dad's wearing a thong, I don't know what to do
put a dollar in it?
this is the fifth day in a row i've woken up after 3 pm, hungover. I might die when snowmageddon is finally over and we have to go back to class. my liver wont know how to take it.
I wanted to take a shower but I forgot we made applesauce in it last night.
Just saw a hooker eating a pastrami sandwich walking down beach blvd blowing kisses to traffic. My day = made
My chest smells like french fries. Get at me attractive men.
I found a video of myself completely naked on my phone giving a drunk tutorial on how to shit properly while blindfolded. Did you record it?
The number of tpain songs that actually relate to my life right now is embarrassing.
have you ever seen all dogs go to heaven this is important
There is a chick wearing some guy's shirt wrapped around her waist as a skirt... She's flashing her panties to everyone as she sings karaoke. You need to get here.
It wasnt until i started dancing that i realized i pissed myself dude. I dont think shes gonna call me back.
Yeah she's a complete bitch. But I mostly hate her because she hijacked my fuck buddy.
Wow just discovered I can communicate my favorite sex positions using only emojis god bless this age of technology
You had sex with him AND his man bun. Like not just him but also the bun.
I am officially in a love triangle with my celebrity crush
Woke up on a lawn chair hugging a bottle of vodka. Hows your morning so far?
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