OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
It's more exciting when they aren't single....and even better when you have to pretend that you just slept with their roommate while trying to do the walk a shame as their girlfriend comes marching into the apt.
Im not the least bit jealous of the life you lead.
I just peed next to my dog in the yard. Unparalleled forms of bonding going on over here.
Do your friends by chance have our inflatable deer head?
Nevermind, it's in the dryer.
he threw my burrito on the ground and said im too drunk. fuck that guy.
Even with having the shower running and music on everyone could hear the alcohol gods making me sacrifice my dignity and meals from the past week.
Why did I just find out you and Andrew had sex right next to my face when I passed out on the beach?
At the time it seemed romantic and its also extremely frowned down upon to leave a passed out person by themselves in an unfamiliar place.
Why did I wake up by myself then?
Would you mind pretending to be lesbians just for like three emails?
I have work in an hour and I'm having trouble with concepts such as 'staying upright' and 'staying conscious'. Tie me to your wrist next time we go out drinking,
I gotta give him props though, I've never been propositioned for sex via flash mob.
I mentioned the porn thing he mentioned a brother it all kinda just came together
I woke up in the basement of a pizza restaurant... I would say the tequila hit me pretty hard.
I woke up with a pillow, shampoo and a plant in my fridge. Eggs in the toilet, and I was wearing three pairs of girls underwear. What happened last night
I smell like a mix of alcohol, sweat, and sex and its only 10 AM
oh dont worry mom i am not sick my cough is from a recent increase in recreational drug use
that will happen
Randomize
