It's true. Ladies love me because I'm so strong and they feel safe. Not because of my pseudo charm and their impaired judgement after several drinks...
Your roommate was biting my friend last night. It was weird.
he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them
They both invited me to family dinner Sunday. Secretly dating two sisters just got real.
then she said she was half-a-virgin and that she would appreciate it if i would finish what her old booty call started
He's almost as awesome as vicodin.
Can i tell him you said that? Cuz i know that means a lot coming from you
You're right. Single life welcomed me back with open arms. It's like it knew it wasnt going to be long when I left.
It took me 3 tries to get up the front steps. They kept me motivated by waving taco bell just out of my reach. Surprisingly effective.
Yeahhh, apparently my brothers think its ok not to check on me if a creeper is talking to me bc i "like those weirdo types"
Go for gold. Two birds with one vag.
I'm sorry but the visual image of you suffocating on vagina is basically hysterical
I'm trying to puke quietly so i don't ruin my grandma's birthday/my graduation brunch. And you say i need to grow up.
Pretty sure we ruined a bachelorettes life last night
She said I can't embarrass her, the challenge has been set
He fucks strippers and doesn’t have a life plan. Of course I’m going to regret this
Randomize