So, how was the dinner
Just like the ex wife, cold, fatty, and expensive.
oh my god im such an asshole. i just asked the guitarist of bad religion if he was a scalper.
I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
I got drunk and applied for two credit cards last night. About to find out if anyone in this world is still dumb enough to give me credit.
how do i word it so it doesnt sound like im asking him if he has ever been in jail.
fell asleep with the bong in the pool, weirdest tan line ever
maybe if i keep dancing i won't throw up
There are so many Jimmy John's employees here
Where are you?
Jimmy John's.
Dude if it is ever said "everybody get inside the police helicopter just showed up.". That means it was a successful party.
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
I just got into the cab. It smells like weed and the driver looks like someone who may or may not be really talented at playing the saxophone. He also asked me my thoughts on porn when I told him I'm an actor. I might not make it home.
She had a glow in the dark pastie on her forehead the last time I saw her. That should help you find her.
I may have had several rum punches and then gone to the store and used European cucumbers to prove my baton twirling prowess.
he's annoying when i'm sober but vaguely hot when i'm drunk so yes i do have a preference and it goes by the name of vodka
Just letting you know that your little sister is now your eskimo brother. You can send a thank you edible arrangement to Tammy.
Randomize
