My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
This is evicking siegelnvs
Im sorry?
This is fucking ridiculous*
Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
I don't know where I am, but its a Goosebumps novel waiting to happen.
the only human I can compare her to is rosie o'donnell.
Dude, she literally stopped, mid fuck said "I want soup" got off my dick and make top ramen.
Just scrubbed my teeth for a good twenty minutes. Herpes is afraid of toothpaste, right?
He just texted me asking if I remember pinching his eyelid shut with my eyelash curler.
I'm just glad you're the only person I can have a "remember when we thought I was pregnant" conversation with.
I wish I was in the big bed with a naked you post sex eating chicken nuggets
I rolled over and my thoughts became words and I said "oh fuck not you again" he didn't think that was too kind and asked me to leave
what's the proper way to say, "I'm sorry for puking on you and your bed mid hook up then going downstairs and fucking your roommate because you locked me out of your room completely naked...?"
I forgot I did whipits. Probably because my brain cells were killed from the whipits
Happy you have kids and I don't day!
He's drunk and I'm pain-killer high and we're about to watch fireworks at disney world. It's gonna be fucking magical
Randomize
