got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
I sold 10 pepperonis for 5 dollars last night....i fucking love drunk people
Last night was proof dads should hug their daughters more
I learned the names of so many hookups when they read them at graduation
i have to get rid of the hedgehog.
Does it come with a cage?
yes. and food and toys.
i'll trade you an 8th for it
deal.
He told me he finished so fast because he's a sprinter. I hate athletes who are really just pussies.
no, literally. he fb chatted me and said "since you're online i figured we could bang tonight?"
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
My vagina and my morals are playing tug of war
Alright fuck it. Alcoholic Jamie is back and here to stay.
Don't matter if she's straight, I'll get her. I'm not called The Transformer for nothing
And everyone was looking at me because it was cold and I was drunk and may have screamed "oh fuck" ... You know what, fuck that. What do people think they're getting at Denny's 2 in the morning
Now that I've quit blow, I think I'm allergic to my cat....
The fact that I am laying in bed on my stomach with an ice pack on my rump is a clear indication that I am no longer in my carefree 20s
Omg cinnamon bun Oreos. Thanks weed
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