Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
Gte hit a new low, I took a poopnap, passed out mid poop on the toilet.
Dude, she looked like the Canadian Slam Poet, neck hair and all.
Just hungoverly hit my funny bone with a hot straightener. Triple threat.
fuck he's narrating my life in a british voice make him stop im way too fucking high for this
i woke up this morning next to my toilet covered in an attempt to make blanket of toilet paper
they came at us with fireworks while we were skinny dipping in her jacuzzi at 4 am...
I need to get skinnier so that I know when pregnancy scares are real...
Shame tastes like burnetts and latex
You fell out of the chair and then lifted your foot saying, "If my foot could give you the middle finger it would."
I could probably be laying here naked and he'd still be more interested in this thunderstorm
THERE IS WEED IN MY OVEN. HOW AM I EVER SUPPOSED TO MAKE CHICKEN PARMESAN WITH WEED IN MY OVEN.
"This is Emily. She likes potatoes. And sometimes laughs and cries at the same time, and has a wonderful butt"
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
New rock bottom. Woke up at 7 am fully clothed in a bathtub full of water. I hate myself.
Randomize
