i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
Have you ever been so weak from sleep you couldn't push your poo out?
There's a girl n class drinking wine out of a taco bell cup. I can smell it.. it's totally reisling. JEALOUS.
something about eating while taking a crap just doesn't seem safe to me.
you know you go to a catholic school when you are rollin a joint with matthew 14:1-12
She agreed that we could have sex whenever I wanted and I could let someone else meet my mom.
I had to call maintenance to come unclog the toilet.
Something to remember me by.
He introduced himself to me as "the gayest gay who ever gayed." I like him already.
my heaven will be filled with hot naked men covered in chick-fil-a sauce and me wearing a bib
What bar did i puke in last night
by bar you must mean bars and by in you must mean on
so, she was so drunk she tried stabbing me with a corn dog stick
I've used my house key more to do bumps of coke than I've used it to get in my house.
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
I apparently asked the bartender for a plastic bag and told her I was gunna puke then grabbed two handles from the bar then put the handles in the plastic bag and left.....
Why r u in my phone under "the last survivor"?
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