The child next door sounds like he's having vigorous sex in the backyard and it's making me very, very uncomfortable. I don't want to look.
you are the best fuck buddy i could have, all the others get feelings and morals involved
I'm getting very mixed reviews. One friend told me to stop drinking bc the last 3 times he's heard from me I've either peed my pants, been throwing up, or people have been having sex beside me.
Strangely enough I'm encouraging you to keep drinking for all the same reasons.
I don't have nearly enough visine for the dryness from sticking my head out the window on the freeway for 20 minutes. Child lock me next time.
My body is being held together with whiskey, nicotine, duct tape and a little bit of hope...
Just high watching the holiday fireplace channel. My space heater lends authenticity to the fire experience. Come over.
She interrupted us having sex in the tent by threatening to kill us if we "got cum on the lasanga."
Just watched my roommate stuff a sandwich in his pocket because we're out of paper plates.
Just consider it? What else do you have going on today that could be as awesome as a day full of lord of the rings and sex?
It's a low moment when you're looking at your girlfriends tits on your daughter's phone..
i came outside and he was eating her out on my lawn. i refuse to pick up the dog shit in my yard so i hope he chose the spot wisely
Would love to dress up in respectable attire and take you out somewhere nice and then do disgusting crude things in public
You still owe me one bodily function mess clean up.
You pee on the floor one time and you never hear the end of it...
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
There’s a stripper dressed like a slutty pilgrim. Is that a thing?
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