yah I made NO friends last night. at one point i think i replaced talking with spitting
im sitting in my room wearing my power rangers shirt watching a movie about a magical dragon. Ive totally forgotten what having a sex life is like.
Apparently, banging my bartender ex-girlfriend = free drinks again. Not every bad decision is a wrong decision.
I love waking up with his head head between my legs, it makes me feel special
Yelling drunk tank or bust at a cop, not a good idea
Emily is drunk. We're coming to see you at work and we're bringing jello shots for you.
Rule #127: If your going to try fuck a married guy, you gotta be hotter then his wife; diet starts today.
I just looked into the eyes of the man whose car I peed on last night
Me and a 30 year old man are sitting in my bathtub in swimsuits drinking straight rum from the bottle. Don't tell me how fucked up your Christmas is.
Just accidentally flashed my junk to the lady helping me try on suits, it was cold in there, I don't think she was impressed.
She showed up after 3 hours and proceded to make us all feel like resonable human beings. I dont know how she did it but she did it.
I feel like a pile of chihuahua shit that got eaten by a Great Dane who puked it up and then set it on fire.
You texted me the words "butt stuff" 53 times in a four hour period last night.
Afternoon delight is playing while I take a shit at mcdonalds
Not bad. Ran into Carlo. He shared a story about a sailor who got gonorrhea in his eye. It made me feel better about myself.
Randomize
