he's the Salvador Dali of pubic shaving
What can i say, inner beauty is great but it makes a hard picture to jack off to
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
You're barking up the wrong lesbian.
Were you really trying to feed me potato chips while I was sitting on the toilet?
... there are chew marks on my license. I have no idea.
We were thinking he might be gay. Like how the fuck do you not even make out with a girl that made you a grilled cheese
Seriously babe, why do I keep waking up with bruises on my nipples? WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO ME IN MY SLEEP?
Actually, scratch that, I'm not sure I want to know.
I'M CUDDLING WITH MY CAT AND THAT GUY SENT ME A DICK PIC. UNANNOUNCED DICK PICS ARE TERRIFYING AND MY CAT WILL NEVER BE THE SAME
you started shaking the frozen steak while screaming "THIS IS CAPITALISM" before rubbing it all over your chest and passing out on your dog
I'm pretty sure "good advice you would give to a freshman for achieving success" isn't constituted by introducing them to your addy dealer...
it is my civic duty to ensure the success of our youth.
My blue shorts are now brown from all the stripper fake tan
If you hear death cries, thats me singing. Just let me be.
As soon as he called me 'darling' in that Scottish accent... my pants just dropped.
I’m on my way to fuck the new hockey player
Ride him like a Zamboni
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