I definitely ripped a mole off of her back in the process
then i got kicked out of the bar for trying to pay my $30 bar tab in sacajawea dollar coins
what do 4 police cars, 1 ambulence, and 2 fire truycks have in common?.... My driveway
Sarah Palin just got hired for Fox News. Watch out Jersey Shore... there's a new drinking game in town
Crisis Situation. How do you have that "we probably shouldn't make out tonight cause i've got an oral herpes outbreak coming on" conversation on a third date.
Her roomates have been scoring her hookups. I got 8.9, best of the week!
no. i discovered the *exact* amount of drugs i need to do to understand calculus.
Is the party worth it?
I am drink. Beer pony and singing.
He told me he was married and then fingered me on the kitchen counter. It was awkward to explaining the broken toaster to my roommates this morning...
I'M CUDDLING WITH MY CAT AND THAT GUY SENT ME A DICK PIC. UNANNOUNCED DICK PICS ARE TERRIFYING AND MY CAT WILL NEVER BE THE SAME
She's 90% sass and 10% boobs
Wait, cocaine is okay but tanning isn't?
If you could get me there thatd be perfect. I doubt there's extradition on the moon.
Blow Jobs and the Patriots Playing I think I’m going to marry her
It was great. We stayed up all night talking about objects he'd put in his theoretical vagina.
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