woke up and she was making me crepes. definitely not the last time i fuck a culinary student
I'm trapped in whichever ring of hell is populated by inbred yokels and type 2 diabetes.
Found my phone laying in a snow angel outside my apt this morning.
Your cum is still running out of me. I pity the next person that tries these jeans on....
Why do I always miss the parties you're naked at?!
I get naked cuz your not there
What is their policy on bow ties and belligerence?
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
I am drinking fireball and apple juice out of a sippy cup like a fucking toddler.
Well, at least you look pretty when you're disgusted
Sooooooo this guy just asked me if I'd be interested in a threesome... I'm considering bc I would get to hang out with his dog afterwards.
I'm like bob the builder except I'm fixing boners.
He put his SoundCloud on his Tinder bio. I felt personally attacked.
Your bf is wearing nothing but a cape, I mean absolutely NOTHING but a cape. I know you said he looks like Thor but this is getting a bit ridiculous.
You start to question your morals when you wake up at 430 and there's three people naked...that you don't no
The cop asked me why my pants were around my knees when he woke me from the sink, i replied "Officer, my underwear is still on, nothing bad happened" then he nodded in acknowledgement and we carried on with the paper work.
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