Call me Kermit cause I'm about to go piggin
Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
Is it a little weird that I have a ridiculous urge to have sex while the theme song to the Pirates of the Carrbibbean blares in the background?
Just met someone from Jersey. No fist pumps or jagerbombs. Kind of disappointed...
The last thing I remember is yelling "ill handle this" while wearing a lion suit and holding a jug of vodka when the RAs came
Fuuuuck. Forgot it's October. FYI scarecrows are gonna fuck you up when you're driving high
Well regardless of which drugs we choose to do tonight until four in the morning, we are having a wii bowling championship. So choose carefully.
He tried to bang a 300 pounder last night. No joke. I shotgunned a tall boy in a bar cuz the bartender didn't crack the beer. Cant wait till Nashville.
He hit on a bridal shower w/ his hand on my tit the entire time. Gave his number to the mom.
I thought the cops would know I was on shrooms because I was 10ft tall.
Or I could just give you a blow job and make it up to you.
No, that's okay. Don't worry about it.
Going once.....twice.........sold to the girl who didn't really wanna do it anyway.
Hahaha it was a great moment in my life. This must be what post child birth feels like, given you don't get a combined asshole/ vagina
I keep finding Kraft singles in his pockets. Honestly, this is the weirdest family I've ever worked for.
Is using La Croix as a mixer for vodka a legit way to reach my daily water consumption?
Bruh. You offered the cashier tater tots that you had stuffed in your pocket.
Yeah, and? She might've been hungry.
Randomize
