So he asked me last night if I would cheer him on while he masturbated...
This is a mass text: my birthday is tomorrow, and I want a full day of birthday sex. Send me your availabities. Time slots begin at noon
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
well, the two that sent pics I've already been with, so at least its not just BAM HERE'S MY PENIS IN YOUR INBOX ENJOY THOSE MEGAPIXELS
Just successfully made home fries from potatoes we used as bowls while stoned as shit. I deserve a trophy.
I am not saying having unprotected sex in my boss' pool was a good idea, I am just saying it wasn't my worst idea of the summer.
Just saw a guy with two baby turtles sneaking into the building
My roomate has me out looking for easter kegs hidden arround town
He is 30 (that's 8 years older than I am) and uses more Emojis than I do. Problem?
Is your gma going to be okay with me passed out drunk on the ground
she wanted me to tie her up with my playstation charger cord. i kept on hoping she wasn't a squirter. those cords r expensive. could have def been a Sony commercial tho
Come home, I'm drunk on the porch and pretending to smoke breadsticks like cigarettes. Enticing, right?
I usually do that but weve been going unprotected with tribal fertility symbols painted above my door
I had to ask her to let go of my cock this morning so I could go home. She just kept saying "no, please, no..."
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
Randomize
