yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
Car fucking is for special occasions like birthdays and bank holidays. Don't want to lose the magic by making it an everyday thing.
Let me guess--your parents are cousins.
She keeps sending, "show me your elephant trunk."
I'm drinking wine alone, eating leftovers, and cleaning my sex toys. For the love of god, do not graduate.
Is singing the Indiana Jones theme while I put on the condom off limits?
I'm not the one who can lose their erection, so it's fair game
Lets just say that a certain piercing set off certain alarms when I went thru the airport detector/scanner thingie. David was high fived like 12 times.
I just masturbated and watched youtube makeup videos, which was just an extension of masturbation.
she used her teeth again, but this time it was out of love
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
What happened to you last night?
SO. MANY. SHOTS.
You walked in with a bag of weed and asked for a watermelon. For some reason they actually gave you one, and you made it into a perfectly working bong. Two of them offered their girlfriends to you for the night.
It's okay to admit that you're into redheads.
so you might not believe this but he made a powerpoint. and gave you a 3.5/10.
Randomize
