do u think i could put an abortion on my debit card?
decided to have an easter egg hunt this year. the golden egg has weed in it and all the others have shots of vodka. who said we were too old for easter?!?
Just saw a girl i'm pretty sure is simultaneously jailbait and a milf. I never want to leave mexico.
I'll throw in a blow job for your kind ways. Or another booty call. I'm poor and not very imaginative. This is all I have to offer- the unicorn like wonders of my vagina.
Sudden realization: I dumped him because he was too immature, yet I am the one who moved back into my parent's basement post-breakup.
Do you know what's great about Canada?..... There will always be a Tim Hortons on my walk of shame route
you better take a shot tonight for every cat you have ever seen and wanted. this is a lot of cats.
You know its been a rough night when for a large portion of the evening you have accepted your death
I swear the crows are laughing at me.
You my friend are stoned into submission
Fuck away man. Like 3% of these new people will be back next week. This is the best week of the year to slam bitches at the gym.
This is the drunkest I've ever been at a chili's
If anything I look like a soccor mom going out for her annual ladies night. Trying hard, but not quite in her twenty's anymore.
he yelled at me like a drill sergeant while I quickly tried to take off my pants
ps. i have two very important words to sum up my night
which are?
library sex.
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
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