You're completely useless in the revolution.
now i know why they say having sex with her is the equivalent to licking a pay phone
I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
I'm way too horny to be at work right now. I think it might be legally irresponsible to leave me alone with cucumbers.
The doctor said 'youre the 2nd youngest person that ive seen with this condition. Thats probably not the silver medal you were looking for today.'
and then he tried plucking my nose hairs. lines were crossed.
I just helped a group of highschool stoners find a safe place to smoke I feel like a responsible rolemodel
She's currently upstairs fucking her boyfriend while I am downstairs making them a sex playlist watching her boyfriend's Weiner dog and large Boxer try and mount each other. Marvin Gaye is playing. This is the ultimate third wheel fail.
omg i wish you could see the front of my car.
There's literally a dust print of your body and your arm trying to hold on and the other one where your fingers visibly dragged down the hood.
your life is not complete until you watch a gaggle of murderous clowns dance to gangnam style.
also, what is the correct term for a shit ton of clowns?
He's slurring his text. I didn't think that was possible.
This dude has batman tighty whities on over his cargo pants and he has the nerve to yell "fuck you bitch" up at my window.
This is even better than the wine from my laundry basket
I'm not going to drink anymore, and on that note I'm not going to drink any less either, so I'll see you there. . .
Am i obligated to tell my sister her girlfriend was my one night stand three months ago?
Randomize
