2 bagels in my tummy and my herpes on my mind
sexting on a treadmill. speed 9.0 beat that slut!
Most fantastic sex ever until her Doberman took an interest in what we were doing. There was nothing more terrifying then feeling warm dog breath on my ballsack.
I just claimed my unemployment in Vegas. This seems wrong.
reason #14 for loving my boobs...just got out of a 40mph over the limit speeding ticket thru a work zone. i dont think the cop knew i even had a face
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
The realization of how permanent those tattoos really were set in this morning... I am SO sorry.
He just got dropped off drinking a flask, sitting on the handlebars of a chinese delivery man's bike
Tonight's gonna be epic. Did he bring my noodles?
in the middle of getting head my cat meowed. she looked up , meowed back, and then continued giving me head.
I cancelled the entertainment for your b-day party.... Keep the bouncy castle just in case.
i actually texted him "nice to see you" but then there was a saved draft "i think about you when i get off." dodged that bullet...
Yeah if I don't text back. I'm eating. sleeping. Or lifting. Or drinking. Or playing call of duty. Like shit man
In case you were wondering how drunk I was last night, there was an unopened slim Jim in front of my door and I ate it.
What the matter? A girl can't play some Super Mario without being accused of being high?
Validation I posted a good pic? The lonely fuckboys send out the booty call signal. Of course I answered the call; Gotham needs its hero.
Randomize
