when your hometown is famous for abortion clinic bombings, hurricanes, and jude law's newest bastard, its probably time to move.
I climb out of my sunroof. I mean its kind of embarrassing but part of me feels awesome and ninja like.
she asked if i had a condom...i said yes...when we finished it wasnt on...told her it was at home on my dresser.
hows a nice way to say "yeah i would go to your dorm, but it's snowing and I know you're not going to blow me, so what's the point"?
i felt horrible..i wanted to somehow give him his vcard back
that's a non refundable transaction sweetheart
we couldn't afford a big pool so we bought 2 kiddie pools and put the inflatable beer pong table inbetween. get over here. now.
Divorce is final. Doing tequila shots at 1 in the afternoon.
You kept hugging the big bouncer & feeling the other ones beard
You're like the Mr. T of my A-team, only less gold jewelry and more pitying of fools.
That's the nicest thing anyone has said to me all day.
You are my mentor.
I drank wine out of a protein shake bottle last night. You may want to rethink that statement.
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
I'm hungover laying in my moms bed watching Space Jam.. Adult Life..
So I just got drugs from a house with a giant cross on it. Thank you, Jesus.
Apparently I told him the people made me order taco bell I didn't even want it. And then proceeded to turn off all the lights and sit at the kitchen table in the dark and told him not to look at me.
you had her IN YOUR BED NO PANTS AND YOU GAVE HER THW BOOT?!?!?!
Stage five clinger bro. had to go.
Randomize
