there was a guy here who managed to get his head stuck in a fishbowl. no, I don't fuckin know how
We were playing flip cup on the nice dining room table. Losing team had to shamwow the table in between rounds
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
So how does it feel getting boo'd by the entire 5 guys restaurant
The cops just showed up and arrested her. It's our 2nd date. Do I have to hang out her with her 3 kids until she makes bail or can I leave?
I've never felt more disgusting in my life. And I'm including the time I snuggled that homeless woman in the puddle of my whiskey vomit.
No more jager for that guy. He jacked the neighbor kids big wheel, rode around making jet noises, then passed out behind the wheel and rolled it and broke his wrist
I just looked into the eyes of the man whose car I peed on last night
Just at the gym drinking. We call it treadmillcolada
HE GAVE ME ONE OF HIS BEERS.
YOU'RE THE CHOSEN ONE.
It's like sexual waterboarding. You gave me sex so good I'm comparing it to torture. Jesus.
Knowing how to carefully mix my vices has to be the #1 skill I've gotten from pharmacy school
Everything is fine, it's not hung over in here at all\n\n*Narrator* *but in fact everything was not fine*
Wanna buy a dildo with me during your lunch break tomorrow?
I sharted in court today and had to sit on it for about three and a half hours.
Randomize
