haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
Skipping work because i'm still too drunk from last night still. got home at midnight and passed out in front of my door for 2 hours bc i couldn't find my key
had to call my rooommate to let us in. Passed out in my dress and found the key on my hair tie-in my hair- just now.
Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
I'm glad you talked me out of that flying penis tattoo.
Its like Laser Tag, but more fun because it ends in sex
the kid next to me in training is drinking sangria. its 9am here in case you couldnt calculate. its going to be a good year.
Legitimately semi-blackout across the table from the governor off a chardonnay i can't even pronounce.
Oh my god. I'm sorry if i peed on you last nite. I am truly disgusting
Can't a girl send out a 4 pm booty call anymore
There are pictures of you on the shoulders of some old guy dressed as borat
Just warning you the last time I had captain Morgan I gave a blow job to a guy that looked like Jesus.
Tell Chris I said sorry for yelling "It's my vagina, let me do what I want with it!" at the party last night.
So we hooked up and then instead of texting me, he endorsed me on LinkedIn for Microsoft Word a few days later
When you wear a dress that resembles the shape and color of Kirby to a wedding, you get the attention you deserve.
I don't want to be flamboyant (says the guy who bought a hot pink suit to be a flamingo for Halloween)--but I don't mind being a little extra.
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