Checked out the free sonogram van on campus and got a free DVD of my sweet food baby.
Having skype sex with him in the lounge at 1:45am...THIS IS WHAT HE DOES TO ME
Someone just took a shot from my crotch. I should not have to drive home
the only way to explain how i feel is someone rolled me down a big fucking hill and then a dog came a took a huge ruthless shit in my mouth at the bottom
you closed your eyes and pointed to a cupboard..there was vodka on the top shelf. your sixth sense is amazing. plus, we convinced the foreign kid you're a booze whisperer
I think I just smoked a piece of your foot. Were u picking your feet by the weed?
If you put those two in a room together it'd be like a Taylor Swift fantasy and an Adele nightmare just licking faces
She was two things I dont understand: tall and Christian
Cause I'll toss Tabasco sauce in his eyes and yell "Cobra attack" and walk away
Looks like he unfriended you too. I feel like we were both just handed negative pregnancy tests.
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
Holy shit, we're married as fuck.
His front door was open but I INSISTED on army crawling FOOT FIRST under the garage door. Then I peed the bed.
One of the Mormon boys that comes to the door is really sexy and I always think 'I would absolutely destroy your faith'
All I heard was "sit on my face" "okay" and muffled screaming. I'm still disappointed.
Randomize
